


Little Problems

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 03:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11050431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By HopeWhat do you get when you mix Immortal teenagers, a prank pulling dad, a crazed Discord, and a drunk Apollo?





	Little Problems

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the image of Ares or anyother of the Olympian gods and I promise to return them in mint condition as soon as I'm done with them.  
> Author's note: This takes place when all the Olympians are teenagers(AHHHHH!!!!).This play was actually preformed in front of a live audience, and I wana thank all the people who made that possible!
> 
> Dedication: To my best friend Aimee for just being there and Illyandria for inspiring me to write.
> 
> Warnings: A little bit of violence.  
> Ratings: PG
> 
> Summary:What do you get when you mix Immortal teenagers, a prank pulling dad, a crazed Discord, and a drunk Apollo?

Act 1

Interior: Closed Curtain

Big Voice: Long ago in the faraway land of Ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extrodinary heros. But the greatest and the strongest of these heros was the mighty Hercules. But what is the mesure of a true hero? Ah! Now that is what our story--

Director: Wait! Wait! Stop! What are you doing?

Big Voice: The intro to Hercules. Duh!

Director: We're not doing Hercules!

Big Voice: We're not?

Director: No we're not! We're doing _Little Problems_! I called last night and told your mom to tell you!

Big Voice: (wispers) Shhh! you're not supposed to tell anyone I still live with my mother!

Director: Oops!...I did it again! Sorry!

(cast walks on stage)

Actor #1: I was getting dressed and I thought I heard you say we're not doing Hercules.

Director: We're not!

Cast: WHAT?!

Director: Why don't any of you listen to me? Well anyway, your costumes are in the back. Everyone pick a part. You've got aproximently ten seconds to learn your lines.

 

(cast stares at Director)

Director: WELL GET GOING!!!

 

(cast shuffles o.s.)

End of Act 1

 

 

 

**Act 2**

Interior: Main Hall, Mt. Olympus

 

Zeus: This meeting will now come to order. I have been checking up on earth lately, and have found that some of you are ignoring your duties. Ares, you were supposed to be in Corinth last week helping your new warlord, Agathon, to defeat Elanis and Athena.

Athena: I know why he wasn't there. He knew he was going to lose anyway so he just decided to not make it look like his fault.

Ares: Shut up, Athena. Sanctamoneous stooge.

Zeus: What did you call your sister?!

Ares: (smirking) Nothing.

Zeus: That's what I thought. Aphrodite, I see that you haven't been visiting your temples lately. Why?

Aphrodite: I can't!! It's impossible with the condition I'm in!!!

Zeus: What condition?

Aphrodite: I BROKE A NAIL!!!!!

Zeus: Okay, anyway the--

Ares: Zeus, can you just get to the point? I've got some buisness to take care of.

Zeus: Does anyone second that motion?

(All hands go up)

Zeus: Okay, Dahak--

Eos: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Eos runs o.s. screaming)

Artemis: You had to say Dahak--

Eos: (o.s.) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Artemis: -in front of Eos.

Zeus: Okay let me try that again. D-- The D name, is trying to escape but--

Ares: WHAT?!(starts punching) I'll punch 'em! And I'll kick 'em! And I'll--

All: SHUT UP!!!!

Ares: YOU'RE ALL SANCTAMONEOUS STOOGES!!!(sits down with a scowl)

Zeus: Although the subject is not an important one, I found it best to let all of you know just in case it does become a major issue.

Discord: Hey Ares, you know how you said sanctamoneous stooge? I just wana say that it's not good to insult yourself!

Ares: Are you looking for a fight?

Discord: My name's Discord isn't it?

Ares: Fine then, bring it on!

Discord: You betcha'!

(Ares and Discord lunge for each other)

Aretemis: GO DISCORD!!!!

Athena: (throws a fireball between Ares and Discord) ENOUGH!!!

(Ares lands on L stage, Discord on R)

(Athena walks to Artemis)

Athena: Artemis, why did you encourage her?

Artemis: What do you expect with dad wasting our time with this bull abot Dahak.

Eos: (o.s.) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Artemis: Those chains were made by Hephestus which means he is not going to escape unless one of us lets him out.

Athena: You never know.(Looks over to Discord)

Artemis: Discord? No, she is annoying but villan type? No. I seriously doubt that.

Athena: Maby you're right. But I'm gonna keep an eye on her anyway.

Artemis: Alright. Hey, Apollo's having a party tonight, wana come?

Athena: Nah, I'm gonna stay home tonight.

Artemis: Alright, your loss.

Zeus: Meeting is ajourned, I've got a headache.

(Aphrodite walks to Athena)

Aphrodite: Are you ever gonna stop wearing that helmet and get a new hairstyle?

Athena: Are you ever gonna stop wearing pigtails like a four-year-old?

Aphrodite: Owie! (puts hands on hips) What's with the attitude?

Athena: I'm sorry I'm somewhat upset right now.

Aphrodite: I know what'll make you feel a whole lot better!

Athena: What?

Aphrodite: A makeover!

Athena: Ohh no! Awhile back I had beautiful long hair, then you decide to give me a make over. You chop my hair off almost as short as Eos! No! No way!

Aphrodite: Please! I promise I won't do any hair chopping this time!

Athena: Will you also promise to keep an eye on Discord for me?

Aphrodite: Discord? Why Discord?

Athena: Nevermind, do you promise?

Aphrodite: Yes! Now come on let's go!

**End of Act 2**

 

 

 

 

 

**Act 3**

( We see Athena sitting in a pink fluffy dress, with loads of pink makeup and lots of ringlets cascading her head and Aphrodite standing behind her)

Aphrodite: Almost done..............Voila!! Here's the mirror!

Athena: Gods! What did you do to me?! I look like an airhead!

(Discord enters)

Discord: She looks exactly like you, Aphrodite!

Aphrodite: Discord, are you still looking for someone to shave your back?

Discord: You've crossed the line for the last time, Bimbalina! Eat me, hosebag!

(Discord and Aphrodite get into a fireball fight)

Athena: Can you guys just stop for one moment? How do I get these curls out?

Aphrodite: (still fighting) You can't! The curls last for ten years!

Athena: What?! I'm on Discord's side now!

 

(Artemis appears)

Artemis: I thought you said,'Don't encorage her'.

Athena: This time I'll make an exeption!

(Athena, Artemis, and Discord gang up on Aphrodite)

(Ares appears)

Ares: Cool! A fight! I'm on Aphrodite's side!

Athena: Fine, bro! You're going down!

Ares: Likewise!

 

(Athena and Ares pull swords and engage in sword fight)

(Athena, Discord, and Artemis charge Ares and Aphrodite forcing them to back up into the main hall)

(Zeus appears)

Zeus: Do you ladies and gentlemen want to take this somewhere else...........unless you want to end up landing in Chin compliments of your mother.

Discord: Fine,(speaking to Aphrodite) 3:00, Amphipolis, be there!

Aphrodite: I can't wait! That black eye will match your outfit perfectly!

 

(Discord disappears in a huff)

Artemis: (to Ares) We would'a won, you know.

Ares: Ha! When Bachae become men!

(Ares snaps fingers, everyone exept him freeze)

Ares: (speaking to audience) In greek mythology Bachae are women vampires.

(Ares snaps fingers things stay the same and he snaps fingers again then looks at his hand bewildered)

Ares: (while exiting) Can we get somebody out here?

 

End of Act 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Act 4**

(Aphrodite knocks on Ares' door)

Ares: GET LOST!!

(Aphrodite walks in)

Ares: I thought I told you to get lost!

Aphrodite: You did but I never listen.

Ares: Fine, what do you want?

Aphrodite: It's about Dahak.

Eos: (o.s.) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Aphrodite: Wrong scene Hannah!

Eos: (o.s.) Oops.....Sorry!

(Ares and Aphrodite put head in hands)

Ares: It's nothing to worry about, you heard what dad said and--

Aphrodite: (cutting Ares off) I know what dad said but I'm still not convinced. I've

been reading the Cronus scrolls, and it says ten thousand years after the cosmos is created, an ancient evil will be released onto the earth, and if not defeated will bring about a new age, an age of pain and suffering.

Ares: Aphrodite, those scrolls are hundreds-- no thousands of years old so--

Aphrodite: (Cutting Ares off) Look, I'm not some air-head who doesn't know what she's talking about, and those scrolls maybe ancient but have they ever been wrong?

Ares: I'm just saying. You're only fifteen hundred years old. I don't think it's something to be worried about.

Aphrodite: (plops down next to Ares) Maby you're right. I mean I have been wrong at times.

Ares: (Mumbling) About 99% of the time.....

Aphrodite: Don't push it.

Ares: Were we just having one of those brother-sister moments?

Aphrodite: I think we were.....I didn't like it!

Ares: Me either!

Aphrodite: Well, gotta go, bye! By the way, did I mention you and Artemis would look cute together?

(Aphrodite exits)

Ares: That is sick! Oh well! She's gone! Now I can get my grove on!(singing) People everywhere just gotta be free!

 

**End of Act 4**

 

 

 

 

 

Act 5

Interior: Apollo's party, strobe lights, loud music, ect.

 

 

(Aphrodite enters)

Aphrodite: Hey Artemis!

 

Artemis: Hey Aphro! Look who decided to come!

(Athena steps from behind Artemis)

 

Aphrodite: Hey goldie pants!

 

Athena: Don't ever call me goldie pants again!

 

(Apollo walks up to Aphrodite drunk)

 

Apollo: Heeeeey Aphwadite! Ya wants ta dance?

 

Aphrodite: Have you been drinking?

 

Apollo: Meeeeee? Naaaaaah! (grabs Aphrodite's arm) C'mon baby! Let's go swing!

 

Aphrodite: Let's not! (punches Apollo) I BROKE ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!

 

(Eos emerges from crowd)

 

Artemis: Eos! How's my favorite goddess of dawn?

 

 

Eos: She's good.(sees Apollo) What happened to him?

 

Artemis: Drinking problem.

 

Athena: Aphrodite cured it for him.

 

Aphrodite: (to audience) So remember kids, drinking is a very bad thing.

 

Artemis: So if you don't want her to cure it for you,

 

Athena: Don't start!

 

Eos: Well no point in just standing around, LET'S PARTY!!!!

 

(Actor #1 runs onstage with sign in hand that says ' It is now 1:00am ')

( Clock strikes one, everyone exept Athena Artemis Eos and Aphrodite, run o.s. screaming)

End of Act 5

 

 

 

 

 

**Act 6**

Interior: Apollo's party afterwards

Eos: What just happened here?

Artemis: Yeah, where is everybody?

Aphrodite: I dunno.

(Apollo runs onstage screaming)

Apollo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Artemis: (Grabs Apollo by shirt) Who's coming?

Apollo: DAHAK!!!

Eos: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!(Runs o.s.)

(crowd of people while screaming run o.st. L. then run o.s. R.)

Aphrodite: Are you still drunk?

Apollo: No, see smell my breath!

Aphrodite: I'd rather not.

(Celesta runs on)

Artemis: (lets go of Apollo) Celesta, what's going on ?

Celesta: Apollo's not lieing, Dahak is coming!

Eos: (o.s.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Celesta: Look, we gotta get outa here. Apollo, you coming?

Apollo: Yeah I'm coming.....

 

(Apollo and Celesta begin to run offstage when Celesta stops, and Apollo doing the same)

Celesta: Wait a second, you blew out my candle! Oh well, I'll just light it backstage...........

(Celesta and Apollo run o.s.)

Athena: Alright fine, we'll just stay here and battle this out!

Artemis: (to Athena) I'm sorry.(jogs o.s.)

Aphrodite: I guess we're the only ones left.

Athena: (to Aphrodite) I had a feeling something weird was going on. I mean like how everyone exept our clique was so secretive and everyone fled from the party at exactly at one o' clock and so-- why are you looking like that?

Aphrodite: You know that weird thing you were talking about?

Athena: Yeah.

Aphrodite: Well, I think he's right behind you!

Athena: (to Aphrodite) Get outa here!

Aphrodite: But--

Athena: I said go!

(Aphrodite runs o.s.)

(Athena walks to Dahak and five goones)

Athena: Why are you doing this?

 

(Discord steps out from behind Dahak)

Discord: Beacase he even knows he deserves to be ruler of the Cosmos, and not you goody-goody idiots.

Athena: I knew it. I somehow had a feeling--

(Artemis enters)

Artemis: I don't belive it! You acctually betrayed us! You betrayed us just to join-- no, serve this scum!

(Eos enters)

Eos :I never thought you would!

Discord: Don't think, it's dangerous.

Eos: I guess you speak from expirience.

Discord: Alright, I'm sick and tired of your smart mouth!

(Discord prepares to lunge at Artemis)

(Ares appears)

Ares: Not so fast, sis.

Discord: Ares, get out of my way!

Ares: You know they say blood is thicker than water, but blood runs hardest when love is involved.

Discord: Aaw! How cute! The big bad god of war's heart is going soft!

Ares: At least I have a heart!

Discord: That's it,( to five goones) ATTACK!!!

Ares: Ya'll ready for this?!

(music starts)

( Ares goes after goone#1 Athena after goone#5 Artemis after goone#3)

(After about 2 minutes we see Aphrodite, Eos, Celesta, and Apollo on a balcony with a golden swinging(not to mention massive) ball in their hands)

Aphrodite: Hey, goldie pants! Did you really think we would desert you like that ? Wait then again I don't wana know the answer. But We've got the correct one, NO!

(Aphrodite, Eos, Celesta, and Apollo drop the swinging ball and hits Dahak in the chest and sends him flying backwards)

All: WHOOP!!!!!!!!!!!

(Zeus appears)

Zeus: Congraulations to all of you.

Ares: You sure were a big help Zeus.

Zeus: I didn't need to, you managed pretty well yourselves considering this was a test.

Athena: So you're telling us this was all a hoax?!

Discord: Pretty much, yeah. Ares, I think you owe me an apology.

Aphrodite: But what about those Cronus Scrolls?

Discord: They're fakes.

 

(Ares turns on his heal and is about to leave when Eos stops him)

Eos: Ares, what did you mean when you said 'When love is involved' ?

Ares: Iya Iya--

Aphrodite: (to herself) I think that love potion worked perfectly!

Athena: (pointing at Dahak) So who's he?

Zeus: Ohh, that's your mother.

(Everyone gapes in amazement as Hera changes to her normal from)

All: What?!

Ares: Well this has been an exiting two days!

(Laugh track comes on and curtains close)

**End of Act 6 (not to mention the play)**


End file.
